It's Totally Euros!!!!

Oh. My. God.
Not content with tonking us all in the league, the Deaf School Cup and various other competitions throughout the year, Ronan has done it again and won the inaugeral Totally Euros Competition 2012. And this even before the Final on Sunday. Penny can still bring it back to within a couple of points, but she cannot win.
Congratulations Ronan for an incredible season that even the inscrutable Andrea Pirlo (58) would be jealous of.

WTF????!!!!

This has to go down as analysis moment of the tournament.
Following England's defeat by Italy and almost single-handed dismantling by Andrea Pirlo (53), Alan Green, on Radio Five Live, asked Phil Brown, latterly of Hull City and Preston North End, just how wonderful he thought Pirlo was. To this, Brown replied that he can't be that good as he's never played in England and maybe it's because he's homophobic (we assume he meant xenophobic there), and also added that if he was so good why has no one ever heard of him?
$%&^"@*!!!!
Where has he been for the last decade? This is the man who has won three scudettos, (the latest after a free transfer to Juve), a World Cup, two Champions Leagues, two different Italian cups and the UEFA Supercup twice as well as a World Club Cup. he probably won subbuteo tournaments when he was nine, so who hasn't heard of him?
Dear god.....

Separated at Birth 5

Raul Meireles and...

Rupert Everett

The End is Nigh...

Oh, how satisfying was Portugal's exit to Spain, purely for the spectacle of fake Ronaldo being made to look a chump yet again. If someone can tell me when he last actually scored a goal from one of those ridiculous free-kicks he takes, I would be very grateful. And to leave yourself last in the shoot-out in a bid for personal glory; what a tool. I had been leaning towards Nasri as my plank of the tournament, but I'm beginning to think that Ronnie just shades it. Even the much-loathed Pepe had the good grace afterwards to applaud his Real Madrid teammates and shake the hands of all the officials whilst the Portuguese captain walked down the tunnel with narry a backwards glance. Cock.

I have to admit that, impressed as I have been by Italy from week one on, I would never have foreseen how comprehensively they demolished Germany in the second semi-final. Germany bottled it and had no reply to the mastery of Andrea Pirlo (52). This correspondant can't help think that the Italians have a very good chance indeed of stopping the Spanish in their tracks but we shall see...It feels a bit weird to be happy if Italy wins but this is an Italy team it's ok to like. At least they're playing football anyway instead of parking the proverbial bus.
What a stonking tournament it's been though. Lots of inconsistency from all but Spain, Italy and Germany early on meant that it's been anyone's for the taking so lots of excitement. England's hilarious false dawn was also highly entertaining and so now is the point when I ask for submissions for readers' suggestions for their favourites. Plank, player, team, moment of the tournament; how was it for you? What did you love, what did you hate? Blog entries gratefully received.

Plank Award...

Has to be an early contender for plank of the tournament surely?

Separated at Birth 4

Stevie G and...

A potato

Questions We Need Answers To

1. How on earth did I not notice how short Philipp Lahm is before? The man is teeny tiny and makes Nigel Winterburn look positively statuesque.

2. How has Roy Keane restrained himself from punching Adrian Chiles into a pulp? The inanities must surely have driven him into an apoplectic rage by now...

3. Was this really what Jack and Meg had in mind when they wrote Seven Nation Army, to hear it over and over again whenever someone scores at a football tournament? I may be wrong, but I think not.

4. Why can't they just show the RTE coverage in the UK instead of BBC and ITV, for those of us unable to get to a computer? Having to deal with the smugness of BBC and the surreal awfulness of ITV is torturous. Only Lee Dixon saved my sanity whilst I was away covering the Inner Hebrides League. (For updates on that, by the way, please go to Aye-Its-Skill-Big-Man.com)

5. Clive Tyldesley: Why, dear god, WHY?????

Moment of the Tournament

Surely a contender for moment of the Euros so far.

Chortle Chortle

Sublime; that's the only way to describe Andrea Pirlo's imperious penalty against England last night. And made all the sweeter by Cashley's howler of an attempt.It really couldn't have happened to a nicer guy... Andrea (54) may be getting a bit creaky, but that right foot is still a thing of beauty. It has to be said, the Italians aren't usually my team of choice but needs must and all that.
How England managed to last to the point of penalties is a bit perplexing considering they were generous enough to give Italy the ball at every opportunity, but there you go, the quarters are over and it's pretty much the teams who should be in the semis who are. France surpassed themselves even by their high standards of implosion and were feeble against Spain on Saturday. If I were the kind of person to believe in karma, I'd say that was Nasri being bitten on the ass bigtime. Priceless. I think Montpellier's president Louis 'Loulou' Nicollin summed it up best:
"We're tedious and sad. Seriously the French team bores me to death...I only watch because I am here (in a spa) having a treatment and was forced to. If I was at home I'd have watched a Western". Loulou, we salute you.

Newspaper analysis of the tournament so far has to be that of Russian paper Moskovsky Komsomolets on their team's inglorious exit headlined simply "Bastards". Brilliant.Calls for Arshavin to be deported gather pace.
So we wait for excitement for the semis and can only hope that Spain hand Ronaldo his arse...

Es Ist Total Kunst

So we reach what is typically known as the 'business end' of the Euros, where one slip or one defensive mistake can leave teams languishing in eternal torment as they ponder what might have been if they just managed to hold out until extra time, or converted that open goal on the cusp of half time, or avoided conceding five goals in the first ten minutes. It's do or die. Or at least try and hold out for penalties.

On Thursday night, Fake Ronaldo took a dive and somehow managed to connect quite forcibly with the ball at the same time to ensure Portugal took the first semi final place at Euro 2012. To be fair, the Czechs weren't up to much and even the best efforts of the sprightly Milan Baros (86) couldn't help them.

Meanwhile, earlier tonight Die deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft powered their way with crushing inevitability into the semis with a handsome win against the plucky Greeks. As well as scoring a couple of Hot Shot Hamish type net busters, the Germans also included in their scoring ranks the indefatigable Klose, who a mere day after collecting his bus pass, notched yet another major tournament goal to add to...eh...all the others he's scored.

This weekend, Spain will no doubt completely thrash France 1-0, and Italy v England??? Paddy Power are offering 250/1 on Roy Hodgson himself coming on in extra time to score a last minute 40 yard screamer to take his team through. Worth a punt......

All Hail The Planks!!!

Farewell then Slaven...our love was not enough. The Spanish march on with a World Cup 2010-tastic 1-0 win, and Croatia catch the next flight home. Rumours of Egg Plant's single "Slaven Love' appearing in bargain bins up and down the country already are yet to be confirmed.

Good to see our Plank Of The Season got on the score sheet on Monday night aswell......holding off the mighty John O'Shea, our man Mario dispatched a rather tasty volley late on to confirm Italy's passage to the quarter finals, whilst also confirming the pure wretchedness of the Irish experience at this competition.

Tuesday night saw another Plank regular score a pretty handy volley as Sweden put an underwhelming France to the sword, even if the result meant diddley squat to Zlatan and his teammates in terms of actually progressing. But hey...if Sweden could win their last game with nothing riding on it, why couldn't Ireland......oh stop it already.

As France seemed so keen to finish second and therefore pit their wits against Spain, England took top spot thanks to Wayne and his funny hair. And a cross which deflected thrice before landing on the aforementioned striker's bonce and into the net. And a Ukrainian 'goal' which...eh...wasn't. Thank God for JT eh? What a hero.

So, that's the group games all wrapped up then. On Thursday we see if Milan Baros (74) can fire the Czechs into the semis or if Luis Figo and Eusebio can recover from their respective injuries in time to take their place in the Portugal line up. Anything is possible.........

Dobra Robota Greece......Do Widzenia Holland

Well, well and verily...well. Last night saw the Russians deliver once again on their uncanny ability to flatter to deceive as Karagounis and co booked their place in the quarter finals with a gutsy 1-0 win. Is history repeating itself? Have we time warped back to 2004? Can the Greeks really pull off the mightiest of upsets for a second time? In a word....no. They play Germany next.
The Poles also had to leave their own party as the rather mediocre Czechs did just enough to squeeze through despite featuring Milan Baros (62) in the forward line.

Tonight's games saw the inevitable German march out of the group at the expense of the plucky Danes. Bendtner must have left his lucky underpants in the dressing room.
The Dutch decided to leave any semblance of footballing coherence back at home as they crashed out to two Fake Ronaldo goals, but really, this was coming since their first match in the group. Devoid of any defensive nous and featuring a lumpen midfield and misfiring forwards, it's perhaps a blessing to see them exit early doors so they can return home and actually work on becoming a decent team again. Rinus Michels wept.

So....the first two Quarter Finals are in place.......tomorrow sees the Irish try to regain a shred of dignity against a second place chasing Italy, while Slaven will have his work cut out trying to stop Iniesta, Fabregas  et al tearing his defence to ribbons. Pictures have just emerged from the Spanish training camp where Xavi Alonso has been busy running through the salient points of their win against Ireland in preperation for their next challenge.........

Comedy Capers

Round Two nearly ended in disaster as France v Ukraine was temporarily halted in a deluge of biblical proportions. Luckily, the hiatus was short-lived and the game resumed with France beating a tired-looking Ukraine. Hopefully though Ukraine will rediscover the edge they had over Sweden and take England to the cleaners next week.

England v Sweden was definitely the most hilarious game of the tournament so far. Liam was spot on when he said it was like watching two middle of the road Premier League teams, Sunderland versus Villa, if you like. Neither had much technical skill to speak of apart from England's unwavering ability to give the ball away constantly and Andy Carroll's ability to whinge non-stop at the ref. That England won was more by luck than judgement and I am still undecided whether to give plank of the game to John Terry or Joe Harte. I'm afraid Glen Johnson is a player whose potential will never be realised either (sorry, Ronan).
Man of the match? Had to be Olof Mellberg (53)...
Well, I'm sorry to say that's this particular correspondant's last post until the semis as I have been temporarily reassigned to the excitement of the Inner Hebrides League. First up, Tobermory v Dervaig, followed by the grudge match that is Salen v Craignure. Could be a feisty one....

Well, That's That Then...

See, even the Croatia fans are consumed by their Slaven Love!!!
Not hard to see why though; after a first half dominated by Italy, the Croats completely deserved their draw and now we face a scenario where Ireland could knock Italy out and see Croatia and Spain progress. Yay!
Mind, Pirlo's legs may have gone, but he's still quite good at that old free-kick malarkey isn't he?

And so, that means Ireland can only hope to restore some pride and also act as kingmakers on Monday. Considering how exhausted I was watching the Irish chase Spain all night, I can only imagine how knackered they were by the end of the game. Never mind lads; next time you may be blessed with a much kinder group.

Hang on; Didn't Portugal Used to be Quite Good?

Yes, I know they won in the end but they contrived to throw it away on numerous occasions. They must have thought they had it wrapped up at 2-0, but the ego on legs that is Christiano Ronaldo managed to miss some absolute sitters, gloriously it has to be said. He very nearly managed to get in the way of Silvestre Varela's winning shot as well. If anyone needed any proof that this Portugal team isn't fit to clean the boots of great teams in the past, containing Eusebio, Figo or Costacurta, then surely the fact they let Bendtner score at will, is that proof. Embarrassingly, Bendtner is also by far the best-performing Arsenal-salaried player so far at the tournament. The shame...
As one of our correspondents said, this game was pure gold, and rest assured he ment that in a comedic sense.

First off, I know he's been around for years but HOW SHORT IS PHILLIP LAMM? Every time we see him, we marvel anew. Class player though.
And so to the headline game. Who could have predicted that Holland would be so pants? Germany are clearly going to have their usual tournament and lull everyone into a false sense of security by being mediocre in their first game, but then increasingly turning it on as the games progress. And Mario Gomez; a puzzle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma. He's been shit for YEARS, but now, inexplicably, he's quite good. Weird. At least Holland scored; until then, they had been the only team not to do so.
Starting to think that Huntelaar is the new Gomez...
That group table makes deeply embarrassing reading for the Dutch.

Separated at Birth 3

Bert van Marwijk and...

Ian Rush

Ding Ding Round Two...

I think we can safely say that if the Czech's get out of Group A, they aren't going much further. Despite scoring two goals in quick succession, if the linesman hadn't been as blind as a bat, the Greeks could well have managed a draw from this game, aided as they were by Petr Cech's sudden decision to be crap.

It's also fair to say that all our competitors in It's Totally Euros 2012 failed to grasp the fact that however poor Poland are in general, playing Russia, on Russia Day means it's a cup final and they aren't going to lose. They too were ably abetted by Andrei Arshavin's having shown his true colours again after a promising first game. For most of this game, he just could not be arsed. Good game though.

And of course it's always great to see the return of Kenny and his marvellous mechanical eyebrows. Nice work Kenny

Ding Ding End of Round One...

And so we reach the end of the first round of group games with Group D.
First England v France, in which Roy Hodgson remarkably managed to get thicko England players to understand a system and stick to it, to the point where even Steven Gerrard stayed in the middle of the park instead of haring like a lunatic up the field. This meant they weren't going to trouble the French defense much but it stopped them scoring at will too.
And Ukraine v Sweden turned out to be a great match. The world rejoiced that Andriy Shevchenko managed to upstage Zlatan Ibrahimivic, a man whose ego size is only rivalled by that of Christiano Ronaldo. Zlatan may have scored a good goal, but he also gave us shot of the tournament so far; you thought Geoff Thomas' 1992 corner flag bothering effort against France was good, but this one was so wide it went out for a throw on the other side. Marvellous.

The game was also notable for having in Shevchenko and Olof Mellberg two men with a combined age of 112. Sweden also fielded the magnificent Elm; who did indeed look like an elm so that was good. And finally, I didn't even need to switch over to the BBC for Springwatch when we had a cameraman happy to suddenly cut to a ladybird taking off from the sleeve of someone in the crowd. Makes a nice change from the obigatory shots of pretty ladies they usually cut to.

So, what have we learned from that first round?
Well, not a huge amount. Spain may well want to start using a proper striker (so not Fernando Torres then) instead of a load of midget midfielders however good they are. Holland are going to have to remember they can't just turn up and expect to win. The tournament is just as likely to end in ignominy or triumph for France and Italy, either is possible. And Ukraine and Sweden have every chance of beating France and England to get out of Group D which would be hilarious. Finally, Ireland just have to beat Spain and they're laughing...
Round two? Bring it on.
PS Didi-watch update: bit of twitching but not the worst by any stretch. let's see how he is by next week.

Separated at Birth 2

Sebastian Larsson and ...

That bloke from Westlife

Andriy Voronin and...

Philippe Mexes

ENGLAND V FRANCE

No; still not feeling it...
Is it somehow possible for BOTH teams to lose????

Blub...

Well, the Group C opener was a corker. Two completely opposing styles and stalemate but the best game so far without doubt. Of course we knew there would be lots (sometimes maybe too much) tiki taka from the Spaniards and that the Italians would defend well but this correspondent for one thought Spain would find it easier to break Italy down. And Fernando Torres is still pants so no change there.

And then on to the big one. It wasn't supposed to end like that...Croatia are neat but no great shakes really but for some reason a team that has all those clean sheets gave away three sloppy goals. Heart-breaking. I won't dwell on it all except to say...blub...

Slaven was suitably rock and roll though...

Quote of the tournament so far has to be from Ukraine coach Oleh Blokhin:
"our defenders do not even tackle properly". Brilliant, especially when added to his observation that his strikers can't score goals either. Talk about not raising hopes unrealistically...
Am now going to try and find some enthusiasm for England v France, possibly the two most objectionable teams at the Euros...Might be tough.

GROUP OF DEATH!!!!!

Well, that was sort of an anti-climax, wasn't it? First off, Holland clearly bought a dodgy off-the-back-of-a-lorry sat nav to help them find goal, instead of a top of the range garmin or the like and so failed to score against DENMARK!! Oh dear. And to make matters worse, they let DENMARK!! score against them. This is only mitigated of course by the fact that they didn't let Bendtner score, but still...
And so on to Germany v Portugal which flattered neither team to be honest. It's lucky for Ronaldo though that  I haven't yet claimed my rightful place at the head of world football and banned step-overs because he would have been off for two Joeys within half an hour tonight. Did anyone else notice he had dramtically changed his hairstyle at half-time as well? The man's vanity knows no bounds.

And so to more important matters, namely the telly coverage. How much do we thank our lucky stars for RTE and its panels? No one else even comes close, especially with our lad Didi on whose accent is, according to one of our correspondants, 'a thing of unusual beauty'. And how right he is.
So now we look forward to tomorrow. First up will Spain be up for it or just knackered like the Germans and how will Ireland fare against Slaven's Croatia? Only time will tell...

COR BLIMEY...

Well, some of us thought the opener would be the worst game in living memory (Arsenal v Lens 28th November 1998 since you ask. A game so bad that when a young lad ran onto the pitch in full Arsenal kit, the crowd as one sang 'sign him up, sign him up, sign him up', but I digress...) but it was a thriller and the archetypal game of two halves. The Poles looked to be on the way to victory then conspired to throw it away, with our boy Chesney having what can only be described as 'a mare' and picking up a Full Barton.
And then Russia v the Czechs. Admittedly, we couldn't hold out much hope for a team that had Milan Baros (52) leading the line but for ten minutes, it looked promising. That was as good as it got though and even Arshavin decided to turn up so the Czechs were soon torn asunder. You kind of have to love the fact that there was a 'Russian Joey Barton' on the field, a man who once faked a broken leg, with full plastercast. Respect.
So a great first day although someone may want to have a quiet word with Brian Kerr, telling him that a) he doesn't need to shout for us to hear him from Poland; modern technology can deal with it and b) he might want to take a breath once in a while when he's launching into one of his stream of consciousness burbles. I could almost see him turning blue in the face.
And blimey, isn't Clarence Seedorf handsome...

It's Here!!!!!!!!!!

At last! After, ooh, weeks of excitement and needless commentary about everything from Ireland's chances to the food in Poznan, the Euro's kick off this afternoon with the crowd-pleaser that is Poland v Greece. Well, it can only get better from there on and rest assured our correspondants will be with you for Totally Skill updates all the way.
Bring it on!!!