Totally Post-Christmas Round-Up

Unfortunately, our Totally Skill Bloggers have been as interested in blogging of late as Steve Clarke was on Stephen's Day when his side scored against QPR. A half-glance up from the notebook to vaguely register that something has happened, then back to his shopping list for the sales.
But that all changes now, people, as we reach the halfway stage of the epic that has so far been the 2012-2013 Egg Plant Totally Skill League season.
To gear us up for the New year then, a quick round-up of where the Christmas battles leave us and a resolution to be more diligent blogwise in the New Year, honest.
Darren and Penny are still leap-frogging each other at the top and the Stephen's Day fixtures mean Penny leads by just a point after Darren cleaned up with an impressive 8. I'm afraid Ronan still trails, but is this the point he starts to turn things around? Will a new year and a move to the heady heights of Dublin Town change his fortunes, or will he splash out in the transfer window? Only time will tell...

Week 20 Pt1 Table

Penny             182 pts
Darren            181 pts
Ronan             155 pts

Totally Round-Up Week 17

As we gear up for Santi Day later this week, the man himself was getting rather giddy at the prospect of a day in his honour, falling to earth at the weekend a bit too easily. We'll let him away with it this time, but with a stern wag of the finger in his direction. You're better than that Santi......

This week, Ronan began his pre-Christmas fightback with a much needed 10 point haul, as Penny and Darren scraped 4 and 5 respectively. Darren does keep his nose in front, but it's tight up there at the Totally Skill summit.

Meanwhile, in other news, this wee fella above has just managed to bag 86 goals since January. That's nothing. I netted 103 times during the calendar year of 1985 in the Westside Under 10's Indoor Soccer League, but nobody mentioned Gerd Muller to me then. It's one rule for pint sized Argentinian geniuses, and another for the rest of us I tell's ya.

Farewell from the pitch then, to Kevin 'Zinedine' Kilbane. God loves a tryer they say, so He must be thouroughly infatuated with 'our Kev' for the heart and soul he poured into his time with Ireland (and multiple English clubs). All the best Kev....


WEEK 17 TABLE

Darren     163
Penny      162
Ronan      144

Totally Round Up Week 16

Santi may not have delivered any early Christmas cheer at the Emirates on Saturday, but Penny was definitely taking advantage of a pre-mince pie slump from the lads as she made up what ground she'd lost during the Whaley-Bee Extravaganza. Her 7 points to Ronan and Darren's 3 points each meant we have a tie at the top of the table for the first time this season. And she undoubtedly has the peerless Sergio to thank as his 90 minutes for Crawley meant she won a valuable 3 points from their FA Cup tie against Chelmsford.
In other news, the Totally Skill Committee have realised, belatedly it has to be said, that contingency plans will have to be put in place to make up for any cancelled Highland League games as we enter the season of frozen/waterlogged pitches. If they have the gumption to remember this weekend, we'll see the first in a series of replacement match options offered.


Week 16 Table

Darren      158 pts
Penny       158 pts
Ronan       134 pts

So Near But Yet So Far...

They so nearly took it to a replay, but a cruel injury time winner from the franchise broke Wimbledon hearts today. Well done though lads, you did everyone proud.

OMG It's Whaley Bee!!!!!!!

Well, that was truely epic, and unlike last year, when Whaley Bee made little difference to our standings, things were shaken up considerably this time round. We have a new leader for starters as Darren surged into first place. Friday and Saturday saw him racking up 3 pointers all over the place as Penny could only snatch at the odd single point here and there. Only Falkirk v Hamilton came up trumps for her in a very slow start to the Whaley Bee weekender. Ronan was also good for maximum points for the first 2 days and although he still languishes in third, the gap is diminishing. Penny eventually woke up to the situation by Wednesday and it was a strong showing here that prevented Darren disappearing into the sunset. It was with a heavy heart that she plumped for a 1-1 draw between Everton and Arsenal, but luckily head ruled heart and a vital 3 points added to her tally. Her total of 57 was behind Ronan's of 65 and Darren's impressive 68, but it keeps her up there.
This week will more than likely seem like an anti-climax but as we near the mid-way point of the season, every point counts...

Week 15 Table

Darren          155 pts
Penny           151 pts
Ronan           131 pts

Totally Round-Up Week 14

Strewth! Another (non) week where our Skillers achieve perfect harmony....4 is the magic number this time around. The upcoming Whaley Bee Bonanza may provide the shake up needed as it seems stagnation has crept into the League these last few weeks. Maybe it's lethargy or maybe it's just a pre-Xmas slump as everyone is treading rather too daintily and nobody is truly making a name for themselves.
In more exciting news, the Totally Skill Annual 2013 should be hitting shelves, eh...sometime before Xmas, and there will also be a stunning, limited edition 2013 Calendar available to the first 2 people to pre-order the annual. Maybe only one of them will actually get the calendar though. While stocks last and all that.......

WEEK 14 TABLE

Penny       94
Darren      87
Ronan       66

Plank of the Week

Obvious planks have been a bit thinner on the ground this season, until Adebayor decided to scythe into Santi Cazorla at the weekend that is. What possessed the man to get himself sent off when, until that point, Tottenham had been putting the fear of god into the Arsenal defence, one can only guess...

Totally Round Up Week 13

If you can imagine that Penny's belief in the restorative powers of Mick McCarthy are the icing, and Darren's knowledge of obscure German teams with funny names are the cherries, then Ronan's wild stab in the dark on the Real Zaragoza score is the humble sponge. It was only a much needed 2 points from the Spanish fixture that rescued Ronan's week from another of total disaster. As it was, a total of 3 points scored is hardly world-beating, but I'm sure he will take what he can at this point and hope to turn things around in the imminent Whaley Bee Extravaganza. He's going to have to pull a blinder though to make up ground on Penny and Darren.
Mitt Romney, I mean Mick McCarthy, really is working wonders at Ipswich and Penny's faith was rewarded with 3 points, giving her 5 in total. Darren likewise capitalised on his German homework and scored 5 too.
Alas, Wiltu Iggeery failed to score in the West Brom fixture but they still went on to win and so thwart all our competitors in the Premier League fixture.

Week 13 Table

Penny       85 pts
Darren     78 pts
Ronan      59 pts

Totally Round-Up Week 12

Five points all round this week....the Skillers all in tandem for what we believe could be the first time in Totally Skill history. Darren correctly predicted that A!F!C! would live to fight another day in the FA Cup and was rewarded with a three-pointer for his troubles, while Penny gained a handy three in the La Liga fixture. Next week, Ronan is off to his Scottish training camp, and had better hope they have something special up their sleeves for him to have any chance of mounting a serious challenge soon.
So it's 'as you were' after this weeks round of games, but with a Whaley Bee week on the horizon, that could all change very quickly...or stay pretty much the same. The excitement is palpable.

Week 12 Table

Penny             85
Darren            78
Ronan             59

Totally Round-Up Week 11

Darren is definitely 'hungry like the wolf' with a greedy 9 points in his jaws this week....an impressive tally that included two Three-Pointers....the Merseyside Derby came up trumps as did his lupine mates in their tussle with Charlton. It seems that every time Ronan tries to cut back the gap between them, Darren has an inbuilt 'reflex' to simply stretch that lead by going on a points rampage.
Penny? 'All she wants is' to keep the lead until the end of the season, whereupon she can claim some dapper T-Shirt to wear on a trip to 'Rio' in honour of her seasons work. The 'wild boys' of Gillingham presented her with 2 of her 5 points this week.
Ronan is trailing miserably at the heel of the hunt.....a truly pathetic single point this week to show for his extra training. He certainly needs someone to 'save a prayer' for him.When asked on Totally Skill TV, about his failure to mount a serious challenge as yet, he seemed perplexed as to how things were going awry. "I've been working so hard on my predictive fitness", he claimed, "but the other two always seem to be able to get great results despite not seeming to train any harder than me...I don't know how they do it....'is there something I should know?"


WEEK 11 TABLE

                                Pts
Penny                       80                
Darren                      73
Ronan                       54

Cheeseorama

Once again, Penny triumphs in a midweek Cup....this time the More Cheese!  More Bread! trophy is hers. This is getting rather embarassing for Ronan, will he ever eat cheese again??? Ever???

News just in: The next midweek Cup competition will be for a Mushroom and Prawn Pastie.

A Short Interlude From Our Natural History Department...

Badgers 1...

Coke-snorting, cousin-fucking, chinless aliens 0

What a Complete Lack of Moral Courage

Words fail me....

Totally Round Up Week 10

Well, after last week's pathetic showing in the Highland Fling by all our Skillers, this week saw them putting in a much more impressive performance. It was Darren who carried the day; obviously more than a little disturbed by news that Ronan was 'breathing down his neck', he put on a spurt and notched up a very dynamic 13 points that showed a wealth of moral courage. Two 3 pointers from the Midlands game in Birmingham and then A!F!C!'s draw with Arsenal, I mean Fleetwood Town, added to his faith in Nairn against Wick saw off his rivals.
Penny was no slouch either and her A!F!C! 3 pointer helped her on to a useful 8 points. Only Ronan faileed to show much moral courage and his work off the ball was lacking to the point where he could only manage a limp 4 points. His overhauling of Darren for second will have to wait a while longer.
Not-that-interestingly, there are now 11 points between each of our competitors. In a parallel universe, that probably has great meaning....but not here thank god.

Week 10 Table

Penny       75 points
Darren      64 points
Ronan      53 points

Totally Highland Round-Up Week 9

 

Ach eye.....twas a bonny week o' fitbaw in the bonny hills an' valleys, but there be nae danger o' the lass Penny losin' her lead as awl wee Skillers notched a toaty three points awl runed.
So it's as ye were, as it were, at the toap after the Ultimate Highland Fling week saw the state o' the patches as pure muck, and meant we couldnae complete awl games. Yon Clachs, Formartine an' wee Keith....haud yer heeds in shame. Thon undersoil heatin' be cheaper than youse think. Forres n' Brora were tae gie it laldy away fae hame. Pure dead brilliant, aye.
We ken noo hae hard thus Totally Skill League is.....an' 'tis only gaunnae git pure solid as we go oan.
Mony a mickle maks a muckle!!
Ah'll leave youse wi' a wee joke:
Ten coos in a fiel'..which wan is closer tae Iraq?............................Coo eight

Scottish Correspondent Hamish 'Ned' McNumpty


WEEK 9 TABLE                          Pts

Penny 'Kilt' McSporran                       67
Darren 'Tatties' 'McHaggis           51
Ronan 'Irn' McBru                        49

Weirdity of the Week

And there was me thinking nothing could surpass the weirdity of Julio Cesar turning out for QPR: how wrong I was proved when Edgar Davids was parachuted in last week to become joint manager at struggling League Two outfit Barnet. Beyond random...

Totally Round-Up Week 8

Ronan is creeping up behind Darren with menace as he bagged two 3-pointers to emerge as Top Skiller this week...Darren managed only 2 points and now can feel breath on his neck as he looks to hold on to second place and mount a serious challenge to leader Penny, whose 5 points kept her sitting pretty at the top, a position she has not relinquished since the second week.
Penny is stationed at her Norfolk training camp this week and will watch from afar as next weekend's Ultimate Highland Fling round unfolds.......safe in the knowledge that her lead looks likely to hold at least until the mince pies are out of the oven. 

WEEK 8 TABLE

Penny        64
Darren       48
Ronan        46

P.S. I've just realised I've been doing rather a lot of breathing down Darren's neck recently.....

Who Moved My Cheese???

I was really looking forward to my lunch today.....but then Balotelli had to go and score a penalty in the last minute to deprive me of the glorious feast that awaited me.
Congratulations to Penny, who adds another midweek cup to her ever burgeoning haul. But whereas you can shrug your shoulders and move on when a banana or pineapple is missed by a whisker; or you may curse your luck and resolve to train even harder when a Walnut Whip slips out of view, when the prize is the cheese of your choice and a fresh crusty roll.......well, let's just say it will take a while to get over this one.

Totally Round-Up Week 7

All skillers notched a three pointer each this week (with Ronan greedily adding an extra one), and while Toulouse obliged Penny and Ronan with a 2-0 away win, it was Bayern Munich who helped Darren along to a total of 5 points this week. But Ronan is now breathing firmly down his neck as he gobbled up 10 points to close the gap. Penny held her own with a vital 8 points and it's all getting a tad squeezy down Totally Skill way.
Did I hear somebody mention cheese and a crusty roll???

Week 7 Table

Penny     59
Darren    46
Ronan     40

Hero of the Week Runner Up

There have been two different interpretations of this but either way, Gunnersaurus emerges as a far more nuanced character than we had given him credit for.
As the two teams in the Arsenal-Chelsea game lined up yesterday, our dinosaur hero stuck out his huge green paw for John Terry to shake, only to take it back at the last moment leaving Terry's hand in the air and making him look every inch the tool he is. As one blogger pointed out, it was reminiscent of the cheeky Chelsea mascot who went to shake Steven Gerrard's hand a few years ago before doing the classic nose-thumbing maneouvere beloved of children everywhere. The same blogger also pointed out that Gunnersaurus was happy to shake the Chelsea skipper's hand earlier in the day and believes the later snub was a comment on the wrong-headedness of using the pre-match handshake to express your dislike of another player. Either way, who knew Gunnersaurus had such hidden depths? He'll be making speeches to the UN next. It makes up for always coming last in the Mascot Grand National every year anyway...
Legend status is duely endowed on the big green lunk.

Hero Of The Week

Your team (Lazio) are facing a tough away match to Napoli and in the third minute a ball comes flying in from the right....you tussle with the defender, the goalie misjudges the flight of the ball...you manage a touch and the ball goes into the net. GOOOAAALLLLL!
Or not, as the case may be. 62 year old MIROSLAV KLOSE showed that there is indeed honour amongst thieves as after initially celebrating the 'goal' with his teammates as Napoli defenders furiously reacted to the injustice, his conscience kicked in within a matter of seconds and he approached the ref and admitted that he had handled the ball and the goal should not stand.

Cue a raft of Napoli players congratulating him on his honesty. While his own teammates and manager may have been less than pleased, seeing as Lazio went on to lose 3-0, it is a credit to the veteran German striker that he owned up and showed the class that is sorely lacking in most footballers.`

Bravo Herr Klose....you are Hero Of The Week, and probably every other week until season's end.

It's the Little and Large Show...

A small homage to two of the most disparately sized footballers to walk the Earth...bless

And to add to the smiles...

...it's a pile of ecstatic Arsenal players. Not something you see every day.

Totally ROUND UP Week 6

The resurgence of reigning champion Ronan was given a good kicking this week as Penny and Darren both notched up a handy 11 and 7 points respectively...once again stretching into the distance and glancing backwards to see Ronan stumbling and tripping at every turn. 3 measly points is not championship defence material.
Penny is really starting to show the requisite winners form as she bagged two 3 pointers, her faith that A!F!C! would finally come good rewarded and though she claims to be 'looking out for Lincoln', her belief in Tamworth also bolstered her tally. Darren was thankful for Reims taking note of his prediction, and duly complying by just keeping posession as soon as they went 2-0 in front. It looks like his Portuguese training week has been of some benefit.
But after her victory in the Fruit Cocktail Cup last week and her continued dominance of the Egg Plant Totally Skill League table (albeit after six weeks) it's all eyes on Penny to see if she can build on this early breakaway at the top. No pressure then.......

WEEK 6 TABLE

Penny          51
Darren         41
Ronan         30

Beard of the Week

Who else...?

Totally Round Up Week 5

And so the fight-back begins...
After a woeful start to the season, Ronan set his stall out this week and not only picked up 11 points but added another 3 to that tally with a bonus for getting 3 perfect scores. Anyone writing off last year's champ was certainly speaking too soon as the Little Seal picked up maximum points in Spain, Germany and ...Carlisle. Well done Ronan. To make this even better, Penny only managed a paltry 4 and Darren scored a middling 6 in his away fixture in Portugal. That Darren did a cup double in the international fixtures, winning a grapefruit to go with last week's chocolate suggests he is going to be much more of a force to be reckoned with this year too.

Week 5 Table

Penny         40
Darren        34
Ronan         27

Weirdity of the Week

Not since the legendary Ivan Campo was persuaded to swap cosmopolitan Madrid for the delights of Bolton (and then, bizarrely, Ipswich), has there been a more incongruous sight in the Premier League than that of Champions league winner Julio Cesar lining up for Queens Park Rangers. Mental. What next; Messi joins Accrington Stanley?

Jeremy spoke in class today.....

Uh-huh.....but really it's all about the two Jeremy's......


Renner

aannnnndddd....

Kyle

 

Lookey Likeys Is Back!!!

Ok, so we've had him on here before but...

Philippe Mexes and ...

Jeremy Renner

Totally Round Up Week 4!!!

Penny holds on to top spot this week with a handsome 8 point return, including 3 points generously donated by one Afin Lido! Northampton gave Darren a welcome 3 points too, as he garnered a respectable 6 points to maintain his challenge. Meanwhile, Ronan stumbled into double figures.
As Darren heads off to his training camp in sunnier climes, he can be happy in the knowledge that he won the first part of our Egg Plant Totally Skill International Challenge, which will see him choose the chocolate bar of his choice. Tomorrow, the Skillers tackle the second part with a tasty piece of fruit awaiting the victor!
With the season now in full swing, we can expect many more twists and turns to come, along with plenty of pineapple chunks and Walnut Whips.......

WEEK 4 TABLE

Penny             36
Darren            28
Ronan             13

Totally Round UP Week 3!!!! Already!!!!!

`

Eee by gum. Penny and Darren have darted out of the traps while Ronan still seems to have his muzzle tangled in the gate. It seems the clean sweep from last season has dulled some of the defending champions
hunger.....his pathetic 2 point haul this week sees him still struggling for double figures.
Penny is developing a healthy habit of picking up at least one 3-pointer a week, and Forest Green came through for her this time, by giving Hyde a 'hyde-ing'. Well, it was 3-1.
Darren is getting plenty of 2-pointers and is keeping pace nicely in second....but all Skillers put far too much faith in Wicky Wicky Wah Wah Wocka Wocka Wocka Academy who fell to the tenacious and tough tackling Turriff Utd.
Is 20 points too big a gap to bridge even at this ridiculously early stage? Hmm...there are a few Bumper Bonanza bonus weeks to come along the way......


WEEK 3 TABLE:

Penny      28
Darren     22
Ronan      8

Rejoice!

This has to be the craziest transfer ever, but it has been confirmed that Juventus have signed Plank President Niklas Bendtner, initially on a year's loan, with an option to buy later. Although it could be said he might suit Italian football better than the Premiership, does the team that is home to the peerless Pirlo REALLY want this man? I'm still not entirely sure I'm not hallucinating the whole thing, mind...
Needless to say, I think it all is Pure Stoke

Good News!!!

It's ok! Even if Arsenal get 38 no score draws, they still won't be relegated as they will have a goal difference of 0 and there will be at least 3 other teams worse than them with negative goal differences. That's alright then...

Flashback of the Week

News that Alex Song was reportedly deeply unhappy that Arsenal wouldn't renogotiate his contract, it still having 3 years to run on it, and that he wasn't happy at being paid a measly 55 grand a week, gave me a profound sense of deja vu...
Remember this? "55 fucking grand? I almost crashed my car..."
I bet they don't talk like that at Keith.

Totally Round Up Week 2

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Although not quite on a par with Arsenal losing 8-2 to Manchester United in the opening weeks of last year's Premier League, it really does look like Ronan is going to have to spend some cash on some last-minute players before the transfer window closes. He had a dismal week this week, notching up a single point by being the only person to foresee A!F!C! would lose to Bradford, although not by the 5-1 they did get tonked. In fact the mighty A!F!C!'s season so far is mirroring that of the Little Seal; we can only hope that both begin to turn things around and soon.
Elsewhere, Darren didn't match his opening weekend, but with a valuable 3 points from the Little England fixture that is Malaga vs Mallorca and a point from the Swansea game, he kept up some momentum. But it was 2010-2011 Champion Penny who was the biggest surprise this week; 10 points, with 3 each from France and Spain and 2 from the Swansea demolition of West Ham (note to Sam Allardice; THAT'S how you play football).
As the only player to see that the Elfs of Elfsborg would never be up to Hacken FC, she wasn't averse to picking up single points either.
If this keeps up, and Ronan remembers his winning ways, we could be in for the tightest season yet in the EPTSL.

Week 2 Table:

Penny            21 pts
Darren           17 pts
Ronan            6 pts

Mystery of the Week

You have just taken over as manager of one of the best club teams in the world. One of your charges is undoubtedly the best player in the world and helped to ensure your team was 4-1 up against Real Sociodad by half-time at the weekend. Your star striker has just returned from having a broken leg and within minutes of coming on the pitch scores a wonder goal to bring the final score to 5-1.
And yet, to anyone with no knowledge of Spanish football, you spent the whole game looking as though you were the Sociodad manager.
Come on Francesc Vilanova; crack us a smile mate. It can't be that bad....

Whoop whoop

Enough said.

Totally Round Up Week 1 !!!!!

And so after what seemed like eternity, we have our first week in the EPTSL done and dusted and what a week it was. Incredibly, defending champ Ronan trails with a paltry 5 points at the moment as Darren and Penny put in very impressive opening week performances, both getting two 3 pointers and the European fixtures in particular seeing them leave Ronan in their wake. Of course it is very early days yet and Darren's early leads in last year's tournament failed to hold past September, but is Ronan feeling the pressure after sweeping the board last season? Only time will tell.

Week 1 Table

Darren               13 pts
Penny                 11 pts
Ronan                 5 pts
  

Oh My Stars...

Wowzers! What an opening day. Two games ending 5-0, Liverpool having a shocker against their old Assistant Manager Steve Clarke (how did we not remember that Darren?), and Michael Laudrup having a momentous start to his Premier League career. In fact the only thing that failed to surprise was Arsenal playing lots of nice tippy tappy football but failing to score. Note to Arsene Wenger: do not under any circumstances be tempted to buy France's top scorer. He will be pants and put sitters 12 yards wide, I promise you.

So, what about the EPTSL, I hear you ask? Well so far everyone has had a good solid opening weekend. All our competitors quite rightly saw Aston Villa continuing their mediocrity against newly promoted West Ham, and a home win for Crawley, but only Darren and defending champion Ronan had faith in the mighty A!F!C! to beat Chesterfield. Penny more than made up for this with the first 3 pointer of the season in the Grimsby game though, and Darren's intuition that Keith is no longer the force he was stood him in good stead to pick up 2 points in the Locos game. As it stands, Penny has 7, Darren is on 5 and Ronan has 4 but with the 4 European games to go, the weekend is still wide open.
Welcome back EPTSL, oh how we've missed you!!!!